


silence is become speech

by phalangine



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Get Together, M/M, Wrong number
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 10:31:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11273649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phalangine/pseuds/phalangine
Summary: Leonard gets a message meant for someone else. Things spiral out from there.





	silence is become speech

**Author's Note:**

> this fic wouldn't be what it is without the help of captainnperfecthair's mega comments and kinneys' invaluable suggestions.
> 
> the title is from muriel rukeyser

Leonard McCoy is tired. It isn't just any tired; it's the sort of bone-deep, abiding tired he hasn't known since med school. Exhaustion only scratches at the surface of it. His bones hurt. His eyes can barely stay open.

So it's no surprise that when his PADD vibrates, signaling a notification, he doesn't quite believe the words on the screen say what they do. Yet no matter how many times he blinks and shakes his head, the message remains the same. Written in the friendship-making app’s damnably small chat window are two words Leonard hasn't been asked in a long time:

**[Miss me?]**

And under that, there's an honest to God dick pic.

Leonard closes the window quickly- it's been how long since someone sent him one of these?- but a moment later, his PADD goes off a second time. He tries to ignore it. He does. But he's always been a curious kind of man. It used to get him swatted on the ass with a wooden spoon when he was a boy. These days, it's probably going to get him killed by some sort of unholy space plant.

The second message follows the same pattern and, unsurprisingly, isn't any better than the first.

**['Cause I don't miss you]**

And a second dick pic. But while the sender had one hand on his dick in the first one, in the second, both hands are up, middle fingers extended.

Leonard sighs and taps out a quick, **[I think you've got the wrong person.]** He doesn't expect to get a response, so he puts his PADD away. It's not like he'll need it, hiding as he is in a damn bathroom.

Then he's getting dragged out and bullied into taking a seat on the flying death trap, and all thoughts of saucy messages flee as the battered looking kid next to him tries to pacify him with a meager, "I think these things are pretty safe."

Safe, Leonard's ass.

Somehow, though, he winds up sharing his flask- and, by extension, his bourbon- with the mess that calls himself Jim Kirk. The name doesn't mean anything to Leonard, but he remembers it anyway, same as he remembers the kid's face.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Leonard is the first to reach the dorm room after orientation. He isn't too proud to grab the better bed, which is clearly the one not next to the window. He throws his stuff on it and, after a moment's consideration, hops onto it, too. He pulls his PADD out to check the time but finds a new message waiting.

It's from the same guy that sent him the dick pics, so Leonard is wary as he opens the message. This time there's no photo, only a line of text that reads, **[Shit, I'm sorry. Fuck.]** Leonard snorts and taps out a reassurance that no harm was done. It's hardly the worst thing he's ever seen. In fact, it's almost refreshing to see a dick that isn't an alien's or infected with something nauseating.

He's shaking his head- thank heavens he's not some pent-up kid ready to blow up every time he feels an emotion anymore- when the security system beeps and the door opens.

Who should step inside but Jim Kirk, now dressed in Academy reds.

"You took the good bed," is the first thing he says.

"Nice to see you, too," is the first thing Leonard says. The second is, "I'm older than you."

"What's that got to do with it?"

"It means I traded fun for opportunity, kid."

Jim's eyes narrow. "You're a real cranky bastard, aren't you?"

Leonard shrugs. "You realize I just got divorced, right? My ex already pointed out all my flaws in legal documents."

That slows the kid down for a moment. "You're all the way through, right?"

"I'm officially a divorcé, if that's what you mean, yeah," Leonard says suspiciously.

Jim raises his hands, palms out. "Just checking. If you were going to be out of the Academy for court shit or whatever I could, you know..."

"Bring people back?"

"Get notes for you," Jim finishes flatly.

Leonard doesn't acknowledge what they both know is a bald-faced lie. "I'm not playing with socks on the door," he warns.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Oh, Lord, you really are young, aren't you?"

Jim rolls his eyes but lets the conversation drop in favor of unpacking. It doesn't take long. Jim only has the necessities: toothbrush, toothpaste, spare uniform, a couple shirts, and a pair of pants. He makes Leonard's meager belongings look practically decadent. Leonard at least has a proper traditional photo of his little girl and two pairs of boots. He isn't so sure about leaving his precious photo out and about where Jim or one of the kid's inevitable conquests could knock it around but ends up putting it out anyway.

On his way back from the bathroom, Jim pauses, his eyes drawn to the photo.

"Yours?" he asks.

Leonard nods.

"She's cute. Got your eyes."

It's pathetic, but that's all it takes for some stupid part of Leonard to decide Jim Kirk is a good man, one who ought to have a friend to keep him out of trouble. "Her name's Joanna," he tells Jim softly. "But I call her Jo."

Jim looks away from the photo and gives Leonard a tentative smile, and Leonard decides maybe Starfleet won't be the absolute worst thing ever.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Jim made a mistake. This isn't new. He makes mistakes all the time. But he's never sent a photo of his junk to the wrong person before, and he's ready to crawl out of his skin. It was supposed to go to the previous mistake Jim made, one that goes by Ken and has an overinflated sense of his own prowess in bed. So Jim thought, in honor of joining Starfleet and getting the hell out of dodge, he should see Ken off in style. The problem is, instead of sending his message- well, messages- to the username kenetic, he sent it to some guy going by doc_h.

He can't exactly tell the man the two looked similar with his eyes busted up, can he?

At least doc_h seems decent. He hasn't thrown a temper tantrum or tried to embarrass Jim. His profile picture is of him but from behind, his hands behind his neck, one hell of a sunrise in front of him. His profile itself is similarly bland: single, late twenties, doctor. The only sign of personality is in the addendum to the doctor bit that says, _So yes, I've heard that pickup line, and no, I don't want to hear it again._

He puts thoughts of doc_h and the incident out of his head as he reaches his suite. He has no idea who he's going to be rooming with or if the guy is waiting inside, and he takes a quick, bracing breath before he opens the door.

The moment he realizes who it is that's sitting on the bed, he feels a knot of tension dissolve. McCoy- Bones, as Jim has been thinking of him- seems like a decent sort. Bitter, sure, but he hadn't asked a single question about Jim's father or mentioned his face beyond squinting at Jim and telling him to make an appointment to get his eye checked out. That makes him a decent sort in Jim's book.

They go back and forth over the bed situation for a bit, then disengage just as quickly while Jim unpacks. Another knot of tension loosens. Jim needs his quiet like any other man. Bones talking nearly the whole shuttle ride here had been a boon at the time, but if he were the type who won't shut up, he and Jim were going to have problems.

It's as he's on his way back from the bathroom that Jim notices the old style photograph on the desk by Bones' bed.

"Yours?" he asks stupidly, as if the girl doesn't look like a near-perfect reproduction of Bones.

Bones flicks his eyes toward it, and just like that, his face softens. He turns back to Jim, expression still gentle, and nods.

Heart in his throat, Jim says, "She's cute." Then, because he can't help but stick his foot in it today, "Got your eyes."

He expects some sort of protective display, but Bones just looks at Jim like he couldn't have said anything better.

"Her name's Joanna," he says. "But I call her Jo."

"That's, ah, a pretty name," Jim tells him. He sidles over to his bed and quickly starts digging through his bag. He doesn't have anything else to unpack, but this conversation is making him twitchy. No one's ever felt like sharing their family with him before.

Part of him wonders if this is what his own father was like. Did he carry around pictures of Sam? Did he tell everyone about Winona's sonogram and thrust a snap of Jim when he was barely more than a smudge at them? Did his face do what Bones' just did when he talked about them? Would he have looked at Jim with as much open, unselfconscious love as Bones has when he looks at that photo of his daughter?

It's pointless, but Jim wonders anyway.

As he fiddles with pockets he knows are empty, his hand bumps into his PADD. Bones won't care if Jim checks it- he's looking at his photo with a different expression now. It's something lost and sad, and Jim instinctively knows Bones isn't going to be running on all cylinders for a while.

There's a series of notifications waiting for him on the app he got for picking up lonely souls. There's the usual invites to dinner and more, some just the more, but Jim is more interested in the one from doc_h.

It's a quick message- not a man of many words, this one- the gist of which is, don't worry, we've all made mistakes, just forget it happened.

Letting out a sigh of relief, Jim wishes doc_h good luck, then closes the window. Embarrassing as it was, at least he'll be able to forget about the whole thing.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Six months of peace and quiet later, Jim gets glassed. He knew it was a bad idea to go drinking at that bar. Bones spent almost half an hour with his hackles up, hissing at Jim that he shouldn't go looking for trouble, but Jim wanted to see what all the fuss about this "rough" bar was.

Turns out it was deserved fuss. He winds up lying on a bench a few blocks from the bar, blood pouring from his shoulder. His first instinct is to call Bones, but his friend is working a night shift at the clinic. Sure, Bones would drop what he's doing and come get him, but Jim doesn't want to put him in that position. Working at the clinic is one of Bones' few opportunities to do real work. As exhausted as it leaves him, working there puts a spring in his step like nothing else. So calling Bones is out.

The rest of his contacts are one night stands and strangers, and Jim isn't about to make things awkward by contacting them. Gaila is the one exception, but after the way things ended with them, he really doesn't want to see her.

It's a bad situation that could quickly become a nasty one, which is the only excuse he has for doing what he does.

doc_h responds after less than five minutes. Jim can practically feel the guy grousing at him through the text. It's a little like being yelled at by Bones while his friend patches him up, and Jim finds himself relaxing as he reads what has to be one of the snappiest responses to a message he's ever gotten.

**[Just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I can help you. I could be a pediatrician or a xenobiology specialist. What you've got is trauma mixed with foolheadedness, and just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I can put you back together, Humpty Dumpty.]**

A moment later, a second bubble pops up.

**[As it happens, I do know a little about idiots getting glassed. Did it go clean through, and is there shrapnel?]**

Jim taps back that it's a clean slash, no shards left behind. The real problem seems to be all the blood he's losing.

**[Better to stop the bleeding if it's as bad as you say. The first thing you're going to have to do is override the power fail safes on your PADD...]**

By some miracle, it works. Jim manages to use his PADD to cauterize the wounds.

**[I didn't know PADDs had power fail safes.]**

**[You must be new to them]** , comes the reply. **[There used to be hell from the damn things. Electric shocks caused up to 2% of eligible cadets to become ineligible due to nerve damage and acquired heart conditions in one year alone before they put surge protectors and other fail safes into practice.]**

 _That's a neat bit of trivia,_ Jim thinks. It's also a worrying one, because that's the sort of thing Starfleet should have had worked out before they gave out PADDs.

 **[Well, thanks for the help]** , he sends back.

 **[Don't ask again]** , doc_h sends. **[Get your ass to a doctor who can actually see you. Or don't do stupid shit in the first place.]**

Jim would smile if he weren't in so much pain. Definitely like talking to Bones.

He manages to get himself to the Academy without much more fuss. By then, Bones' shift is over, so it's safe for Jim to go to the clinic and find a doctor to get any bits of glass out. As it is, there aren't any and all he needs is some time with a dermal regenerator. The doctor he gets doesn't like having to work around Jim's makeshift cauterization, but she keeps her displeasure to a series of tsks as she works.

Jim is feeling wiped out when he gets back to the suite, but he knows the moment he hears Bones tell the lights to come on that he isn't going to be getting to sleep soon.

"Evening, Bones," he says cheerfully as his roommate slithers out of bed.

"Morning, more like."

"Hello all the same."

"Where is it?"

Jim lifts his brows, feigning innocence. "It?"

"Jim, I'm exhausted. Just tell me where you're hurt so I can take care of it. Don’t deny it. You’re making that face you make when you’re hurt."

"Already went to the clinic," Jim says. "I thought you'd be asleep and didn't want to wake you up."

Bones frowns, visibly thrown. He almost looks sad as he nods and turns back to bed. "I guess you're off the hook, then. Try not to snore too loud tonight."

And with that, he climbs back under the sheets and, so far as Jim can tell, drops right into sleep.

Jim isn't so lucky. He lies awake for what feels like hours, his shoulder quietly throbbing, until he finally falls into a deep sleep.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Over the years, Leonard has had a number of roommates. Jim is by far the easiest. Contrary to the way he shoots his mouth off when he's feeling cranky, he's actually a smart guy and a surprisingly considerate one. Almost too considerate. It feels studied, as if Jim read a book once that said this is how to behave and this is the first time he's had to do it for himself.

Leonard isn't stupid. He doesn't have his head up his ass either. He knows who Jim is, knows what happened to the kid's father. Just as he knows how Jim got recruited.

So he isn't surprised that Jim sometimes gets funny about having his own space or throws a fit about Leonard moving something of Jim's because it was in the way. He doesn't worry when Jim disappears over the weekend and comes back covered in smudged lipstick and hickeys. Well, he tries not to. It's hard, though, especially when Jim comes back sometimes roughed up and limping.

It's not Leonard's place to tell him off, but he does anyway. It isn't his job to fuss and clean Jim up, but that's what he does, cussing and damning Jim the whole time.

For his part, Jim was taken aback the first time it happened, but he adjusted quickly and doesn't seem to object to Leonard patting him down and patching him up.

"You smell nice," Jim remarks once, when Leonard is in the middle of stitching up a wound Jim got in training. It's a slash along one pec, a surprisingly deep one, one that suggests it wasn't as much of an accident as Jim said it was.

"Thank you," Leonard says automatically. "You smell awful."

"Aw, Bones, that's mean."

"You've been running and rolling around with a bunch of equally sweaty cadets. You're supposed to stink," Leonard points out. The wound is shaped like a sideways capital l, the tail veering dangerously close to Jim's areola. "Whose girlfriend did you sleep with this time?"

"Boyfriend, and in my defense, I thought he was single."

Leonard pauses and looks up. Jim has a good nose for trouble, sure, but he's got his own code of ethics when it comes to trawling bars. This is the first Leonard knows of him straying into partnered waters.

Jim flushes. "Honest, man. I had no idea. Maybe if I'd taken a little longer, I would have noticed."

He looks miserable, and Leonard can't have that. He doesn't know why he can't, only that he doesn't like Jim looking so sad. "Hey," he says. When that fails to get Jim's attention, Leonard bumps Jim's leg with his knee, which seems to shake Jim out of his reverie. "It's not your job to investigate every person you meet. There's a social contract between people in bars. The man you found broke that contract. That's not on you."

Jim hums. "I thought you'd be angry with me."

"For what? Not hiring a P.I. to investigate a one night stand?" Leonard shakes his head. "When are you gonna figure out I don't actually dislike you, huh? You're a pain in the ass, but we're friends now. You're not getting rid of me so easy."

Jim rolls his eyes, but he sinks a little into Leonard as Leonard resumes suturing his unfortunate friend's chest.

It doesn't occur to Leonard until hours later, when he and Jim are sitting on the floor and drunkenly leaning on each other, that he hasn't made a friend like this in a long time. He suspects Jim hasn't either. Leonard pats Jim's head, overcome with sudden affection for his dumbass friend. Jim mumbles incoherently but wriggles closer. Leonard lets his arm hang around Jim's shoulders, holding Jim close.

It's warm and comfortable, and Leonard smiles to himself.

This is good. Everything is good.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Everything is terrible.

Jim went and did something stupid. He didn't mean to do it. He certainly wouldn't have done it if he'd known he was doing it. But the fact is, he did it, and now he's got to live with it.

On the floor a foot away, blissfully unaware of Jim's anguish, Bones is doing yoga.

Jim is pointedly not watching.

Somehow, somewhere between Saturday night beers and Bones grumpily patching Jim up, Jim started thinking of Bones as more than his best friend. It started, he thinks, with the way Bones learned how to rein him in. There's nothing subtle about it; it's just Bones shouting at Jim to knock it off and think. But it works. Goddamn, it works. Jim can be on the precipice of a bar fight, hackles up, blood pounding in his ears, only to settle back into his skin at the sound of Bones' voice. The firm grasp of Bones' fingers around his arm.

Then there's Bones' easy affection, his open nature. He doesn't hide his emotions; his moods are easy to read and deal with. Jim has never known anyone as unapologetically human as Bones is. And Bones expects openness in return. He chases after Jim when Jim tries to dodge him and his incessant questions. It's impossible to avoid Bones for long, though, and in the end, it's better when he doesn't try. For all Jim doesn't like opening up, he does like the care Bones has for him that makes him tug at Jim's shell. Jim could bask in the warmth of Bones' regard for hours at a time.

Jim wouldn't be Jim if he didn't take notice of the fact that Bones is easy on the eyes. From his strong shoulders to his tapered waist, over his round ass, down his long legs, Bones has the kind of body Jim has always liked. Jim's hands itch to fit to the curve of Bones' arms. He wants to feel the scratch of Bones' stubble against his cheek, between his legs. Wants to know what sounds Bones makes.

Wants to touch the wrinkle between Bones' brows and smooth it away.

Bones lifts his hips as he leans into a backbend, and Jim's dick gives a sad twitch.

He can't let Bones find out. Jim wouldn't know what to do with himself if Bones pushed him away.

Or wanted him back. Fuck, what if Bones wanted a relationship? Jim doesn't do relationships for good reason- they never end well. He can't risk that. He can't lose Bones. He can't.

But he can't live with things as they are, either. He can't keep sitting on his bed, watching his best friend sweatily contort himself and trying not to get hard.

So he does something reckless.

Pulling out his PADD, he types: **[What sorts of medical techniques are there for a man who accidentally gave himself feelings for his best friend?]**

doc_h doesn't respond immediately, so Jim drops his PADD onto the bed and lies back with a groan.

"That's my line," Bones pants from where he's leaning on his forearms, ass in the air. "I can't believe I let Uhura talk me into this."

"How do you know Uhura?"

"Oh, she came into the clinic for something. We got to talkin’. She’s a smart lady- no wonder she saw through you."

"Wait. Really?" Jim hadn't thought Bones even had a class with Uhura, let alone that he'd gone poking around her. "So you know her first name."

Bones draws a shaky breath. "I do."

"And it is?"

"HIPPA," Bones says simply as he smoothly moves from balanced on his forearms to his palms. "I shouldn't have even told you I saw her. You could get me in serious trouble."

Jim rolls his eyes. A likely excuse. He doesn't say it, though, just watches as Bones shifts his weight and sinks down onto his knees, his fitted regulation tank riding up his back. Bones stays there for a while, breathing softly, before he gets up and drops onto his bed.

"Don't tell me you're actually accepting HIPPA as a reason not to push me," he says lazily as he grabs his own PADD.

"Maybe I'm just too tired out from midterms."

"Maybe I'd believe that if I hadn't known you were out with Gaila and her friends last night."

Jim winces. Last night hadn't been as fun as he'd been led to believe it would be. No man should try to keep up with a group of Orion women. The fact that he thought that trying was a good idea is testament to his rising desperation for Bones.

Bones is still fiddling with his device when Jim's vibrates. He plays it cool, casually picking up his PADD rather than scrambling to see what doc_h wrote.

**[Have you tried bourbon?]**

Jim can't help but snort. **[I was thinking something more permanent.]**

A moment later, he gets a reply. **[Smart man.]**

**[Not smart enough to figure out how to stop being driven crazy by him. Are you sure there's nothing you can prescribe?]**

Bones snorts, and Jim's head shoots up, fear pounding through him. Bones is still looking at his PADD, though, so Jim is safe. He can't quite relax, though. Not with Bones so close.

"I think I'm going to take a walk," he says. "See you for dinner?"

"You promised to buy this time, so you better."

Oh, yeah. Jim almost forgot about that. "Thai or Chinese?"

"Surprise me."

Jim nods and, PADD in hand, quickly ducks out the door to safety.

 

**_xx_ **

 

**[Are you sure there's nothing you can prescribe?]**

Leonard looks at the message and sighs. Would that there were. He would have gotten some for himself the moment he caught himself falling for Jim. Of all the stupid things Leonard has done, that one takes the cake. Jim is the least available person Leonard knows. He's a ticking time bomb.

Yet here Leonard is, standing by the bomb with nothing but his bare hands and some fruitless hopes that maybe it won't blow up in his face.

It will, though. Always does.

Rubbing a hand over his face, Leonard returns his focus to the chat with notafollower. He never expected anything to come of the damn app. He only agreed to make a profile in the first place because friends back in Georgia had been adamant that he needed to "get back in the saddle, even if it’s just a pony saddle" and for some reason, Leonard had agreed, despite knowing how bad some of their tastes ran. Not that Leonard is throwing stones. He knows full well that his own house is made of glass when it comes to men.

 _And women,_ he thinks wearily.

Leonard had figured that once the guy knew Leonard wasn't going to do anything, notafollower would disappear. And he had, for a while. But then there was the glass incident and now it seems like he's become someone the kid- and yeah, Leonard checked out his profile, including his age- has decided is a good person to come to. He spent a good while pondering the profile picture of a muscular torso and the waistband of pair of low-riding jeans. And he checked the bland biography that included a general age range, which was about the same as Jim's, a revelation that explained a hell of a lot about him.

 **[No such luck]** , Leonard types, genuinely sorry he can't help. **[Sounds like too much of an ethical minefield to develop even if we could.]**

 **[:(]** , notafollower replies. **[Got any non-medical help? I've tried everything I can think of, and none of it worked.]**

**[There's an old fashioned remedy. No guarantee it will work, though.]**

**[Lay it on me. I'm desperate.]**

**[Time.]**

The reply is slow to come. When it does, Leonard can almost feel the weariness in it.

**[Well I've got plenty of that. I accidentally made sure he'd never be far from me, though, so I don't think I'll be getting over him any time soon.]**

Leonard shakes his head. This guy's situation isn't far removed from his own. Leonard set himself up to suffer when he befriended Jim, and he knows in his bones that once Jim gets his captaincy, he's going to get Leonard for his ship.]

**[You'll make it through.]**

**[You don't know me.]**

Definitely Jim's age. Leonard rubs his temples for a solid minute before he replies. **[I know you accidentally sent me a photo of your dick and decided that wasn't such a bad start that you couldn't ask me for medical advice. Nobody that hardheaded wouldn't make it through a little unrequited love.]**

Leonard hasn't told Jim about notafollower. He's sure it would make Jim laugh, if only because it's usually Jim who gets the surprise dick pics. But telling him would necessitate revealing that Leonard has a profile himself, and that... that just isn't an option.

He shakes his head at himself. He'll get over Jim eventually. Like he said earlier, he just has to give it time.

If only it didn't seem like the time it would take is forever.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Bones gets a girlfriend. She's a civilian, but she works with Starfleet as a medical liaison or something. Jim, to his shame, can't bring himself to be interested in her. He should be. Malia is certainly pretty enough: big blue eyes, long brown hair, curves that go on forever. And she's whip smart. She keeps Bones on his toes like no one Jim has ever seen. More than even Jim does. Technically, she's probably out of Bones' league.

The worst part is, she's nice. She meets Jim with a wide smile and a warm handshake. "So you're Len's Jim," she says as she lets go. "I'm happy he has someone else to drag him out and remind him what fun is."

Jim smiles at her and nods amicably. "That's Bones for you. He'd live in his lab if the 'Fleet let him."

Bones glares at him. "No, I wouldn't."

"Yes, you would," Jim and Malia chorus. She smiles at him, inviting him to share the joke, and Jim scrapes together his self-respect and does the same.

Bones is a true traditional gentleman. He opens doors for Malia, carries her things without complaint, and always tells her she looks beautiful in his most syrupy accent. It makes Jim's chest hurt, and he turns to doc_h for support.

 **[He's always with her now]** , he writes one night. **[I miss him. Do you know, I've never done that before? Missed somebody? He's my best friend. I want him back.]**

 **[Shit or get off the pot]** , doc_h replies.

Jim rolls his eyes. **[I know that. But how do I figure out if it's real without ruining things?]**

**[That's a fairy tale. If your friendship is as strong as you say, you'll weather a fumbled romance. It won't be fun, but you'll manage.]**

Glancing over at Bones' empty bed- it's five minutes to midnight, and if Bones isn't back by now, he won't be back before morning- Jim puts his PADD down. He doesn't want to think about Bones and Malia. He definitely doesn't want to think about Bones asleep in another bed, sweaty and snoring horribly. He should be in their room, mumbling nonsense into his pillow and getting tangled in his own sheets.

He should be with Jim.

 _It won't be fun, but you'll manage._ Jim isn't sure he believes that.

**[I've never had a real relationship before.]**

**[You're 24. That's not strange.]**

**[He's with his girlfriend right now.]**

**[Welcome to jealousy.]**

**[I never said I had a problem with it.]**

**[Yet here you are, texting a stranger at midnight about him. You're jealous. Admit it, accept it, and enjoy it, you stunted Neanderthal.]**

Jim narrows his eyes. **[What are you doing on here if you've got everything sorted out?]**

**[I never said that.]**

**[Wow, so I spill my guts to you and you just stay quiet? That's not very balanced.]**

**[Sorry, kid. Sometimes things just don't work out for you.]**

 

**_xx_ **

 

Malia breaks up with him over breakfast. Leonard isn't surprised.

"You're just not here with me," she says gently one morning. "And I think you know it."

Leonard does know it. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when she kisses him for the last time.

Jim is asleep when Leonard gets to their suite. It's a Sunday, though, so Leonard isn't surprised. At least the kid made it to bed. Leonard has tripped over Jim's unconscious ass more times than he cares to recall.

As he slides under the covers, though, Jim flips over. He studies Leonard for a long moment before he asks, "How's Malia?"

Leonard rolls his eyes. Jim doesn't really care about Malia. He was civil, so Leonard chooses to pretend he doesn't know better. "She's all right," he says. "Broke up with me this morning."

Jim's expression softens. "Bones..."

"It's fine. We weren't clicking."

"You'll find someone else," Jim says, certainty heavy in his tone. He's always so certain. There's nothing he won't face with a raised chin. Just the opposite of Leonard. "You're a great catch, Bones."

"Thank you, Jim," Leonard says, and in some twisted way, he means it. "I'll make flap jacks in a bit, all right? I was up all night and I need some shut eye."

"Yes!” Jim puts his hands together like he’s praying. “Hurry up and sleep, old man."

Leonard rolls his eyes as he climbs into bed. "One hour, Jim. Not a minute earlier."

Jim's eye roll is practically audible. "Yeah, yeah, I got it."

"Set an alarm for me?"

"Already did."

"Smart kid."

It doesn't take long for Leonard to fall asleep, lulled as he is by the quiet sounds of Jim breathing and the regular beat of his own heart.

 

**_xx_ **

 

"So what happened with Malia?" Jim asks around a mouthful of pancake. Bones was as good as his word, and there's a stack of pancakes on Jim's plate. They're sitting on their beds with their backs to opposite walls, which means Jim can see his plate is piled slightly higher than Bones', but he isn't reading into that. "I thought you two were still mooning over each other."

Bones pauses, fork halfway to his face. "Like I said, we broke up," he says simply, shrugging as he jams his perfectly cut bite of pancake into his mouth.

"Yeah, but why?" Jim's heart is pounding. Bones and Malia were a solid couple. Jim had been sure the two of them would last at least until they graduated, if not longer. Jim doesn't want to argue for Bones to be with someone else, but the idea of the most dependable couple he's ever known breaking up makes his gut clench.

Bones tilts his head, and Jim can practically see the gears moving as his friend decides whether to brush him off or not. "Turns out, we didn't have the same goals," Bones says eventually. "She wanted more of me than I realized I could give her."

That doesn't sound like Bones. The man has never met a commitment he didn't embrace. And he loves people, especially careful, thoughtful people like Malia.

"You're holding back," Jim accuses.

Bones doesn't deny it, just takes another bite of pancake.

"Come on, Bones. You can tell me." Jim means for the words to come out teasing; instead, they come out soft, imploring.

Bones sighs. "There's someone else," he tells his plate. "I didn’t want to think there was, but there is. Nothing will come of it, mind you. But until I get my shit together and move on, I'm no good to anyone, least of all Malia." He looks up, a wry smile tugging at his lips. "She was damn beautiful, wasn't she?"

"Yeah, Bones," Jim says through his suddenly too tight throat. "Yeah, she was." He coughs, trying to clear it. "Who's this new girl, huh? I didn't think you were the type to pine."

"Never said it was a woman," Bones says blandly. He takes another bite of pancake, chews thoughtfully, swallows. "And like I said, I know nothing can come of it."

Jim frowns. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, Jim. I'm sure."

It's strange to think of someone rejecting Bones. Jim craves him like he itches for the stars. He's better for knowing Bones, yet he feels worse. It’s the sort of paradox Bones would find amusing if Jim could tell him.

It isn't in Jim's nature to hesitate, to be uncertain of himself. He wants what he wants, and if he can get it, he grabs it.

One of his exes called him an untenable hedonist. No restraint. No self-control. No willingness to compromise. Just a sad, impulsive child in the body of a man.

Admittedly, they broke up because Jim couldn't handle being tied down, so it wasn't like Deb was going to have nice things to say about him.

Jim wonders what Bones would say about him, but he knows he won't ever ask.

"You're sure you don't have a chance?" he asks, despite knowing Bones wants the conversation to end.

"I'm sure." Bones sets his plate, and remaining pancakes, aside. "Maybe in a different world, but not in this one."

The words ought to have some ring of hope, but all Jim can hear is resignation. Whoever it is that Bones wants, he's given up on them returning his feelings. He isn't bitter about it, or angry. He hasn't turned against them. He's just tired. It's in the slump of his shoulders, the downward turn of his lips, the dark circles under his eyes.

It's comforting, in an odd way. For every man like Jim, who can't settle down, there's a man like Bones, comfortable and ready to burrow in.

Smiling to himself, Jim asks, "Wanna get pizza later?"

Bones looks at him flatly. "Lord in heaven, Jim, you haven't even finished your breakfast."

"No, but I'll be hungry later, and I think we should get pizza."

"You're incredible."

"That's not a no."

"Not a yes either."

"Are you sure?"

Eyes rolling, Bones shakes his head. "So long as you go get it, I'm fine with pizza."

Jim raises his arms in celebration, knowing it will make Bones more exasperated. He may not be able to make Bones happy, but Jim can damn well try.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Leonard is in the middle of cramming for a xenoanthropology class when his PADD goes off. Grateful for the break, he grabs it and opens up the notification. It's another chat from notafollower. The kid has been messaging Leonard more frequently than usual. It isn't a problem- it's sweet that the kid is so obviously head over heels for this guy, even though he doesn't know it- but it makes Leonard's heart ache.

**[I wnt tto kisss him]**

Leonard sighs. It's going to be one of those nights.

**[He smellls sogood an I wanna tuch him.]**

Definitely one of those nights.

**[You're drunk.]**

**[Yep]**

**[Don't do anything stupid.]**

**[Toooo late. Already bot him snacks. hes workin lat. shhhh dont bother himm]**

On the scale of stupid shit notafollower has told Leonard about doing, buying snacks seems like a harmless gesture.

Then the picture arrives. It's of a shopping basket full of every kind of snack imaginable.

Leonard rubs his temples. **[That's too many.]**

**[He neereds sustenance]**

**[How did you manage to spell "sustenance" correctly but not "needs"?]**

**[He nerds hisstrength.]**

**[Pick one of those for him.]**

**[But I want mpre]**

**[Too bad. One or none.]**

The chat falls silent and stays that way. Just as Leonard is thinking he might be getting enough peace to go back to studying, the door flies open and Jim comes stumbling in.

Leonard can practically smell the liquor on him from the other side of the room.

"Damn it, Jim."

Jim beams at him. He sways dangerously but manages not to fall over as he roots around in his pockets. After a moment, he lets out a loud, "Aha!" and produces a half-empty bottle of rum. "For the good boy," he says brightly as he stumbles over and drops them on Leonard's desk.

"What are you doing?" Leonard asks tiredly.

"You're studying so hard," Jim says, a touch too loud. "I brought you a reward!"

"I'm almost thirty. I don't need treats."

Jim merely pats his head, blithely ignoring Leonard's protests. "Good boy, Bones." He smiles stupidly then wanders off and collapses on Leonard's bed.

"Jim, come on. That's my bed."

"Nighty night, Bones!"

Leonard takes a deep breath in, lets it out slowly. "At least take your shoes off, you ass."

"Nahhhh."

"Jim."

"Mmph."

What a child. "At least try not to snore."

"Never snore!"

"Whatever helps you sleep."

The bed creaks as Jim wriggles around and gets comfortable, which takes forever, before finally falling silent.

It takes him less than five minutes to start snoring.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Jim is in the first part of his intro to engineering lab when, bored out of his mind, he decides to check on doc_h. Normally he would talk to Bones, but that... Well, that's not possible right now.

 **[** **I fucked up.]**

doc_h responds almost immediately. **[Explain.]**

Jim looks up, scanning the board just in case, but it's all basic stuff he learned when he was doing up his bike.

**[I fought with him. He was being an ass about some stupid space shit and I told him I didn't want to hear it. And now he isn't talking to me.]**

It was more than that. Bones came back from a shift at the clinic more out of sorts than usual. Jim was working on some astronomy homework, and when Bones saw it, he shook his head and said space was a hellhole. Jim got annoyed, and he told Bones there was nothing keeping him in Starfleet. Bones said his daughter was. And Jim, for some reason, said that meant either Bones was wrong about space or that Jo was going to have a dead father.

He knew it was a mistake the moment he said it but couldn't make himself apologize.

Bones hasn't been back to their quarters in two days. Jim doesn't know for certain where he's been, but going from the way Uhura's been frowning at him more than usual, he can guess.

What's worse is Jim found out yesterday that there had been a malfunction on one of the shuttles so Bones had spent the day before identifying bodies and notifying family members.

Jim sighs. He doesn't know how he's going to get Bones to stop hating his guts.

doc_h 's reply is a surprising distraction. **[I fought with my roommate, too.]**

**[How come?]**

**[He's an asshole.]**

Jim rolls his eyes. And Bones calls him repressed. **[Any more detail than that?]**

 **[I'm an asshole, too. I knew he'd try to pick a fight, and I let him get to me.]** doc_h goes quiet for a bit. Jim can sense there's more coming, though, so he settles in to wait until, finally, another message appears. **[I miss him. He's a jackass, but he's my closest friend.]**

Jim knows how that feels. He's never been this far from Bones before, and he doesn't like it. He just doesn't know how to fix it now that things are like this.

But maybe... **[What would he have to do for you to forgive him?]**

**[What are you talking about?]**

**[I'm the ass in my situation, so I'm asking you what it would take for you to forgive your friend?]**

The reply is instantaneous. **[Nothing.]**

Jim's heart drops into his stomach.

**[I already did.]**

Jim blinks. Who forgives that fast? Bones sure as hell wouldn't.

 **[He's my best friend,]** doc_h continues. **[I love him, even though he's thick as pig shit sometimes.]**

 **[It's that easy?]** Jim narrows his eyes at the screen. **[He isn't just your friend.]**

**[He is my friend. But he’s more than that, yeah.]**

**[What about him?]**

**[He's a good friend.]**

**[Yikes. So he knows?]**

**[God, no. It's all right, though. It's nice just to know my heart still works. He'll find someone who makes him take his head out his ass, and I'll find someone for myself. Or not.]**

That seems less than ideal to Jim. If he were doc_h, he would go for what he wants.

A traitorous voice whispers that if that were true, he would have made a move on Bones by now. Jim resolutely ignores it.

 **[You're sure you'd forgive him?],** he asks one last time, just to be sure.

**[I'm sure. Go fix your shit.]**

Jim nods to himself and puts his PADD away, resolved to make things right with Bones, even if it means dealing with Uhura.

 

**_xx_ **

 

At least he isn't the only one with roommate trouble. Leonard tells himself this over and over as he stares out Uhura's window. notafollower is in a pickle, too, and Leonard at least has the comfort of not being in the wrong this time.

Sure, he could have cut the kid some slack. It's not as if Jim knew about the shuttle or the casualties. And without Starfleet and the technology it brought back from other planets, earth would be far worse off. There are good things out there, and Jim isn't wrong to want to find them.

It isn't in Leonard's nature to do that, though. It's part of what drove Joss away, he's sure. He doesn't like what he doesn't like. He just doesn't.

Still, he misses Jim. He isn't used to silence anymore. It's strange not to bump into someone solid- who inevitably bumps back- as he moves through the room. Uhura and Gaila have been kind enough to let him stay, but it's about time he returned to Jim.

He just isn't sure how.

He's running yet another futile scenario through his head when someone knocks on the door.

Leonard hesitates. He doesn't want to scare off a potential date for Gaila, or give Uhura's mysterious boyfriend the wrong idea. It could be important, though...

The person knocks again. "Bones, if you're in there, we need to talk."

Leonard startles. "Jim?" he calls.

"Got it right in one. Any chance you'll let me in?"

There is. Leonard never imagined Jim would come for him, so he make his way to the door in something of a daze. That's the best explanation he has for why he answers the door wearing nothing but a towel.

In his defense, Gaila didn't so much offer to wash his clothes as demand it.

Jim's brows climb his forehead. "Somebody's been busy," he drawls.

Leonard scowls. "Get your ass inside."

Nodding, Jim slips past him into the room.

"Touch anything, and I'll break your nose," Leonard warns.

"You sure you want to throw out fighting words when you're only wearing a towel?"

"Care to find out?"

Jim huffs. "Not really." He looks away. "Look, Bones. About the other day..." Leonard quirks a brow. This is a new side of Jim. "I should have known something was up. In hindsight-"

"In hindsight, I shouldn't have let you get under my skin," Leonard admits with a sigh.

"If I'm going to be a captain, I've got to know when something is bothering my crew," Jim insists. "If I can't read you, how the hell am I going to read people I don't know?"

Leonard shakes his head. "You did read me, Jim. Maybe not right away, but you got there. And the crew won't be strangers to you. Not in time. No one can fault you for being human."

"I've got to be better than that, though," Jim says softly. "Don't you see, Bones? If I'm not able to keep them safe, what's the point?"

Settling his hands on his hips, Leonard levels Jim with his least impressed glare. "You aren't perfect, Jim Kirk. You're a wild pain in the ass. You're going to lose people. There isn't a captain out there who hasn't. But you're a good man. Your crew will know that, and they'll die without regrets because of it."

"You can't know that."

"No? Did you forget the part where I'm part of your crew?" Leonard steps over to Jim's side, bumps their shoulders together. Still wet from his shower as he is, he leaves a wet patch on Jim’s cadet reds. "I know that because it's how I feel." He lifts his eyes to the ceiling, wonders if he should divulge what he’s thinking about sharing, decides he should. "They didn't all die immediately."

"What?"

"The officers on the shuttle. They didn't all die right away. I was trying to save one of them, but she just kept asking after her captain. I told her he was fine, and she smiled at me. Then she died." He puts an arm around Jim's shoulders. "I've seen a lot of death over the years. That one has to have been the most peaceful."

Jim twists to look at him. "Was he really?"

Leonard shakes his head. "He was the first to die, so far as we can tell. Her wounds were too great even for us to fix, so I gave her what I could."

"You'll be a good CMO," Jim says, voice somber.

"As good as you'll be at captaining."

Jim hums. "I don't know, Bones. I'm gonna be a damn good captain."

Leonard opens his mouth, disbelief mounting. "You little shit!" he growls.

Jim just gives him an innocent smile, and that's just too much. Leonard tackles him to the floor. They grapple and twist, fighting to shove the other onto his back.

They're still wrestling when the door opens. Gaila and Uhura walk in, and Leonard, from his position on top of Jim, gets the full weight of their eye rolls.

"Here's your clothes," Gaila says as she tosses them at his face. Leonard catches them gratefully, suddenly hyper aware of the fact that his towel has ridden up his thighs and that he's sitting on Jim's hips.

"Thank you." He gets up quickly and steps gratefully into his underwear. The other three watch him unabashedly. "What?"

Gaila is the one to answer. "You didn't tell me your roommate was so cute, Jim," she says accusingly. "I would have had you bring him."

Jim promptly turns beet red, while Uhura elbows her friend hard. "Gaila!"

"What? He is!"

"Be nice. You know Leonard has delicate sensibilities."

Now Leonard is the one blushing; he can feel the heat in his cheeks. He quickly grabs his reds and yanks the shirt on.

"Thanks for letting me stay, ladies," he says quickly as he tugs his pants up his legs. "But I think it's time I went back with Jim."

"I agree," Jim says, equally quick. "Come on, Bones."

"Thank you again," Leonard calls over his shoulder as the two of them scoot out the door.

It isn't until they're halfway down the hall that he realizes something. "My shoes!"

"I'll get them," Jim says grimly. "You are not going back in there."

Leonard would object if he weren't so thankful.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Women, it turns out, are not the only ones who get drawn in by Bones. Jim watches man after man try to get in Bones' pants and somehow leave happy being let down.

"How do you do that?" Jim asks one night when they get back to their room. "That guy practically thanked you for turning him down."

Bones shrugs and flops down on the couch. "I've got no idea what you're talkin' about."

"Bullshit," Jim mutters, but Bones just smiles blandly and crosses his ankles on the arm rest.

Jim doesn't want to ask, but looking at Bones lying comfortably on their couch, using one of Jim's hoodies for a pillow, he knows he has to. The tightness in his chest demands it.

"So, you're still not over that guy you mentioned, huh?" He has his back to Bones as he pretends to look for a snack, but Jim can practically feel his friend tense up.

"Nah," Bones says after a beat, drawing the word out. "I figure this one is gonna take me some time."

"It's been more than two months."

"That's not that long, Jim. But the point is, he's a special one."

"He must be."

Jim will never admit to it, but he's spent nearly every minute since Bones told him trying to figure out who the mystery guy is. Who is Jim going to lose his best friend to?

Who could possibly be good enough to deserve Bones?

No one. And Jim should just be glad that whoever this guy is, he doesn't realize he could have Bones.

"Move over," Jim orders, heading to the sofa with a bag of tortilla chips.

Bones dutifully lifts his legs so Jim can slide under them. "No salsa?"

"Gaila took it."

Bones sighs. "You two have the weirdest relationship, you know that?"

"It's not that weird."

"Most people don't decide they're tired of fucking their fuck buddy and decide to be friends who steal each other's groceries instead."

"God, shut up," Jim says around a mouthful of chips.

"Ugh, were you raised by wolves? Chew, then talk!"

Jim just smiles at Bones until Bones kicks him in the arm.

"Give me some of those, you animal."

Jim does, and the two of them eat in the low light, not speaking or making any sound except the crunching of the chips. And it's good. It's real good. Better than anything Jim's ever had before.

So why does his heart hurt so much?

 

**_xx_ **

 

The sound of his PADD going off startles Leonard from his studies. He considers ignoring it- he's in a groove, and he's got a lot to cover to make up for the extra hours he missed when on call at the clinic- but ends up picking up his device anyway. It's not as if he hasn't picked up most of this empirically anyway.

The message is from notafollower.

**[I think I should tell him.]**

Leonard's brows climb up his forehead. **[You sure that's a good idea?]**

**[No]**

**[You're going to do it anyway, aren't you?]**

**[Yeah]**

Leonard frowns at his PADD, but another message arrives before he can reply.

**[He means too much to me not to]**

Yeah, Leonard gets that. It's getting harder and harder to act like everything is fine. Jim has somehow opened the floodgates and turned the nakedness up to eleven. He's constantly shirtless now. Sure, it's summer, but he even does it indoors with the A/C on. His shorts are shorter than Leonard is sure the dress code allows and tighter, too.

It's hard to focus when Jim is on his back, breathing hard, covered in a sheen of sweat, as he moves through his workout.

 **[Any idea how you're going to do it?]** , Leonard types.

**[We're going out tonight. That always puts him in a good mood. I'll tell him when we get home.]**

**[You're just going to drop it on him?]**

**[Do you have a better idea?]**

Leonard gives it a think but ultimately shakes his head. **[I don't.]** He thinks back to when he first told Joss he wanted her to go out with him. His heart had felt too big, his chest too small. His hands had been sweaty. His tongue was clumsy in his mouth. Lord knew why Joss said yes. **[Good luck.]**

**[Won't need it. Not with a face as pretty as mine ;D]**

Leonard rolls his eyes. This kid sounds so much like Jim, it makes Leonard's jaw ache.

**[Good luck anyway.]**

**[Thanks]**

Setting aside his PADD, Leonard turns back to his xenobiology book and, with a tired sigh, dives back into Vulcan anatomy.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Jim waits by the shuttles for almost half an hour before he gives in and comms Bones.

The man who answers sounds like hell, and Jim immediately figures out why Bones is late.

"You're studying," he says with a sigh.

"What else would I be doing?"

"It's the fifteenth."

"...And?"

"And Uhura invited us to a party at that bar she loves so much, and you promised you'd show up."

Bones goes silent for a long moment. "Fuck!"

There it is. The sounds of Bones getting up and rustling around in search of clothes come over the line- why Bones likes studying with his pants off so much, Jim will never know- along with muffled curses.

"How late am I?"

"We've got twenty minutes."

"Shit!"

A couple thumps follow, most likely Bones hopping as he shoves his boots on. Then there's the sound of a drawer opening, and Jim smiles at the familiar noises of Bones tearing desperately through his civilian clothes. Jim could probably take pity on him and tell him to borrow one of Jim's shirts, but something about telling Bones that Jim wants more than friendship from him while Bones is wearing one of Jim's shirts just feels off. Besides, Bones will find something clean eventually.

"Don't you dare leave without me," Bones hisses. "I mean it, Jim!"

"Just get your ass to the shuttle, will you?"

Bones grumbles something that sounds suspiciously like "Get fucked" before he ends the call without so much as a goodbye. That's Bones, though. He'll be racing toward Jim anyway.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Uhura looks stunning. Leonard tells her so and gets a kiss on the cheek for it. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Jim rolls his eyes, but Leonard ignores him. When a lady puts as much effort into her appearance as Uhura did, it's only polite to admire her. She's dressed in a slinky, body-hugging dress with a deep neckline. The dress barely reaches mid-thigh and glitters even in the bar's low light, with boots that land only an inch or two below the hem, inevitably drawing Leonard's attention to her shapely thighs. He swallows hard.

Uhura notices and gives him a one-armed hug. Leonard forces himself to relax and lean into it. Uhura miraculously isn't mad at them for being late. He isn't going to upset her good mood by distancing himself just because he's worried about getting hard like he's fourteen. It's been a while since he was this close to someone as beautiful and obviously dolled up as Uhura is, though, and he's pitifully glad when she releases him in favor of harassing Jim.

As he heads over to place his order- and Jim's- Leonard idly wonders how notafollower is doing, if he really went through with it. If his roommate returned his feelings. If he's happy now.

Across the room, Jim gestures at Leonard to join him in a quiet corner.

Balancing his whiskey in one hand and Jim's beer in the other, Leonard makes his way over to Jim.

"You got my favorite kind," Jim says happily as he takes his beer. "You're too good to me, Bones."

"Yeah, yeah," Leonard mutters. On the inside, though, he's pleased. Jim has been unusually quiet lately, and withdrawn, almost cold. It would be concerning in anyone, but for a person as naturally outgoing as Jim... Leonard had been growing worried. But he's smiling his usual easy smile tonight. It's probably just the work getting to him. Jim hasn't been in a steady academic environment in years.

"So," Jim says, fiddling with the label on his bottle, "how's Dr. Rhee?"

Leonard shakes his head. "Don't remind me. If I never see another Andorian kidney it will be too soon."

"That good, huh?"

"I don't know how she does it. Autopsies never used to bother me, you know."

Jim nods solemnly and pats Leonard's shoulder. "It's only natural that in your advanced age-"

"Finish that thought and I will shove that bottle so far up your ass, it'll come out your mouth."

"That's disgusting."

It is, so Leonard just nods and takes a sip from his glass.

The conversation lapses into silence after that. A few tables over, Uhura and her group laugh and clink their drinks together. Beyond them, the bar is almost entirely empty.

Leonard doesn't mind. It's nice just to sit and drink with Jim. Even with the tension in his stomach demanding he reach out, Leonard is comfortable like this. It feels right for them to be sitting quietly, drinking just to be sociable, no fights or shouting or running. Just... quiet.

Of course that's when Uhura comes over. She’s louder than she usually is and smiling wide. Leonard coughs at the alcohol on her breath. Those fruity drinks ought to knock someone as petite as Uhura is on her ass, yet she navigates her way to their table with only a few fumbles.

“You two are being quiet,” she says as she drops down beside Leonard. “And not very sociable.”

“We’re socializing together,” Leonard says, just as Jim chimes in, “You expressly forbid me from ever talking to any of your friends.”

Uhura nods her understanding. “I did do that, didn’t I?”

“You sure did,” Jim agrees sourly.

“You know what else I did?”

“What?”

“I found out this guy-” she pats Leonard’s thigh, none too gently “-signed up for a website to make friends. He didn’t want to admit to it at first, but I can be very convincing.”

Leonard rolls his eyes. “You threatened to hack my PADD if I didn’t tell you why I was happier. I just figured agreeing would mean I could keep some privacy.”

Uhura hums proudly.

Looking over at Jim, Leonard isn’t surprised to find his friend looking pleased as punch. “I haven’t met anyone through it,” he says, stopping that line of thought right away.

“Aw, but, Bones, that’s what the internet is for!”

“It definitely isn’t.”

Jim shrugs, only for his expression to turn sly a moment later. “Which site?”

“As if I’d tell you-”

“Smix,” Uhura chirps. “The saddest site of them all.”

“Hey!”

“Oops. Sorry, Len.”

Jim’s brows are making an impressive trek toward his hairline. “What’s your username?”

“I’m definitely not-”

“doc_h.” Uhura takes a sip of her drink, bats her eyelashes at Leonard. “What? It’s not like he wouldn’t find out on his own!”

“That doesn’t mean you have to make it easier!”

She shrugs, and Leonard rolls his eyes.

Jim is uncharacteristically quiet.

“You all right, Jim?” Leonard asks.

Jim blinks. “What? Oh. Yeah. I’m fine. I just- I remembered some work I didn’t finish, and if I don’t get it done, Professor Birstein will eat my heart.” He stumbles to his feet. “Nice to see you, Uhura. Bones, I’ll, uh, I’ll see you at home- at our room- back at the Academy.”

He only had two beers. Jim should be fine.

“You don’t look fine,” Leonard says, getting to his feet. “Let me check-”

“That’s really okay…”

Leonard frowns. This isn’t like Jim at all. “I’m going back with you.”

“No!” Even Uhura’s friends, who had been happily ignoring them, startle at Jim’s shout. “Look. You’re having fun. I don’t want to ruin that. So just… stay here, okay?”

He doesn’t wait for Leonard to answer, just grabs his jacket and dashes to the door.

“That boy is hiding something,” Uhura says.

Leonard fights the urge to say something rude. Instead, he sighs and mumbles, “No shit.”

 

**_xx_ **

 

Shit. Bones is doc_h.

Shit shit shit shit shit.

Jim is so fucked. There’s no good way of getting out of this.

He’s panicking, but he can’t make himself stop. He couldn’t keep his cool at the bar, and the panic has only built higher in his chest. If Bones is really doc_h, that means his roommate is Jim, and if Jim is his roommate, that means Bones is in love with him. What the hell does he do with that? Sure, he was going to tell Bones that he loves him, but he really didn’t think Bones would return the sentiment. He’d just pat Jim on the shoulder, tell him he’s sorry, and they’d move on.

Bones loves him. Bones, Jim’s Bones, thinks he doesn’t have a chance with Jim.

Jim jogs the entire distance back to the Academy. The thoughts don’t stop, but he can work through them better once he’s moving. He can handle Bones. He can handle anything. He’s Jim Kirk.

By the time he steps into their suite, Jim is soaked with sweat and only a little freaked out.

He’s stripped down to his boxers and lying on his bed when his PADD goes off.

**[Tell me things went better for you than they did for me.]**

Jim chokes. **[Sorry. Chickened out.]**

He can practically hear Bones’ weary sigh in his reply.

**[Happens to the best of us, kid. There’s always tomorrow.]**

That isn’t quite the encouragement Bones means it to be, but Jim doesn’t fight him on it.

An idea occurs to him. It’s manipulative in the worst way, and even thinking about doing it makes Jim’s gut roil. Yet he types out the request anyway.

**[Tell me about this guy of yours. Not yours. Whatever.]**

The reply takes a long time, but eventually Bones does respond. **[Why do you want to know?]**

**[I don’t know.]**

Jim worries at his lip. This probably wasn’t a good idea. Bones isn’t given to holding back. But Jim has to know. What about him matters to Bones?

 **[He’s a goddamn pain in the ass]** , is the first thing Bones says. **[He runs into danger headlong so nobody else has to. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets himself killed the first year after he graduates.]**

 **[That’s not encouraging]** , Jim types but doesn’t send.

**[There isn’t a better man in the goddamn universe, though. He hasn’t figured that out yet, but he will. So long as Starfleet doesn’t fuck him up too hard, he’ll shake off the shit people piled on his shoulders. And when he does…]**

Jim’s heart stops beating.

**[When he finally comes into his own, he’ll be damn near invincible.]**

His hands shake as he types, **[That’s a high bar to live up to.]**

Bones disagrees. **[It isn’t a bar. It’s reality. But I’d be happy just to see him comfortable in his own skin like he should have been all along. I wouldn’t even care if he quit Starfleet, so long as it was for something else that made him happy. He deserves that much.]**

Bones never mentioned any of this. How has he kept it all quiet?

His heart is in his throat when he types, **[You think a lot of this guy, don’t you?]**

Bones’ quirked eyebrow is practically audible in his reply. **[I wouldn’t love him if I didn’t.]**

 _Fuck._ Jim wasn’t ready for that.

And for Bones, that’s all that matters, isn’t it? For all Jim has called him a country bumpkin and a simple Southerner, the fact of the matter is, Bones has a clarity of thought that no one else has. Things don’t interfere with his feelings. He is what he is, and he isn’t trying to change that. He doesn’t have to want to change it, because what Bones is, is good.

Jim on the other hand… not so much.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Jim is acting odd again. Whatever got to him the night of Uhura’s party hasn’t let go, and the usual techniques for getting him to open up aren’t working. He doesn’t take the invitation of an arm outstretched on the back of the couch in the common room. His hackles go up when Leonard presses- or worse, he deflates and just looks at Leonard with dark, tired eyes.

Leonard sighs and gets out his PADD. notafollower has been quiet lately. He replies when Leonard sends him messages but always with brief answers, and he never initiates conversations anymore. Leonard isn’t sure what he did wrong or if he did anything wrong. It could be nothing. Combined with Jim’s strange behavior, though, he can’t help but wonder if maybe there’s something wrong with him.

Why else would every major relationship in his life go down the drain like this? Joss, Jim, notafollower…

His grandma always said he was difficult.

Reconciling himself to the silence, Leonard puts his PADD away.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Something’s wrong with Bones. Really wrong. He isn’t talking. He’s barely eating. He hasn’t once harassed Jim about the hours Jim has been spending at the gym and out partying. He comes back from his shifts looking progressively more tired and unhappy, but he never airs any of his frustrations, never sighs and grumbles to himself about self-destructive cadets. He’s even been staying out late, not coming home until six, seven in the morning. Sometimes he doesn’t come home at all, just goes right to class.

Jim doesn’t even have the messaging with doc_h as a substitute. He told himself he had to stop once he figured out it was Bones, and he’s kept to that.

Jim misses his friend, though. He just can’t figure out how to get Bones back.

Except he does have one idea. One terrible, unacceptable idea.

He bites his lip and pulls up the app.

 **[Sorry for the radio silence. Things have been strange.]** He hits send before he can talk himself out of it. He needs Bones back. So long as he manages that, he can deal with the rest.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Aaron is two years older than Leonard. He’s an up and coming author- even Leonard, busy as he is, has heard of him. What he was doing trawling Smix is anyone’s guess. Leonard certainly doesn’t know why- nor does he know why a man as handsome as Aaron is single. He’s a bit shy, sure, but it didn’t take much to coax him out of his shell. And now that Leonard has…

“Could you think a little quieter?” Aaron grumbles. His tone is teasing, though, and he scoots closer to lay his head on Leonard’s shoulder. “Something’s eating you.”

Leonard shrugs. “It’s just Jim.”

“When is it not?” Aaron sighs. “Go on, then. I know you won’t relax until you’ve talked it out.”

Talk of Jim usually ruins Leonard’s relationships, one way or another. It’s just another check on the list of reasons Aaron is a better friend than everyone else. “He’s fragile,” Leonard says after thinking it over.

“How so?”

Leonard studies the ceiling in search of answers. “I don’t really know. He could probably survive a hurricane if he decided that was what he was going to do, but when it comes to people… He’s as delicate as they come. I know he pulled away first, but I can’t help wanting to look after him.”

“He’s a grown man, Len.”

“He’s twenty-three.”

“You need to learn to let go,” Aaron says softly. He presses a kiss to Leonard’s shoulder.

Aaron smiles up at him like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and Leonard wonders why the hell it isn’t.

 

**_xx_ **

 

When Jim gets back to the suite after his last class, he almost falls over himself. Bones is lying on his bed, an ice pack behind his head. He grunts when Jim turns the lights up and throws an arm over his eyes.

“Long time no see,” Jim says for lack of anything better.

Bones grunts and flaps his free hand at Jim’s bed. “I didn’t know,” he says cryptically. “I want you to know that.”

_Well, that’s not encouraging._

Jim nevertheless follows Bones’ arm and spots the book on his bed. He scoops it up and looks over the cover. “ _Flights of Fancy_?” he reads. Then, below it, he spots the author’s name. He swallows hard. “Is this an ‘I’m sorry for ditching you to hang out with my new best friend gift? You got me a copy of his book?”

“Read the back.”

Jim does.

The summary- a man pining for his unattainable best friend- rings painfully familiar. If he’s honest, though, he isn’t surprised. It wasn’t just sales figures that Jim got from the internet, after all. He saw the controversies. The allegations of theft. If Aaron would steal someone else’s book, why not their life?

It’s not that bad, though. A little blunt, sure, and the names could have been changed better, but there’s no reason for Bones to be so distressed-

Except Bones doesn’t know Jim knows.

“Your friend kinda sucks, Bones,” he says eventually. That seems safe.

It makes Bones laugh. The sound is short and sharp and not at all amused, but it’s Bones.

“Ex-friend,” he corrects.

“Is he the reason you’ve got the lights down and the ice pack on your head?”

“Yeah.”

“He didn’t-” Jim is terrible at this. Bones is the one who’s supposed to worry and pry out the truth out of him, not the other way around. “He didn’t hit you, did he?”

Bones shakes his head. “Just a headache.”

“Is he still going to publish this?”

“Seems like.”

Jim doesn’t really care. There are worse things out there about him that are actually true. “You know I’m not mad at you, right?”

“I don’t know that, no.”

“You’re not his dad. It’s not your job to police what he does.”

“Still…”

“Bones,” Jim says, sighing. “You’re my best friend, and if I’m honest, I’m just glad to see you again.”

“Even though you started avoiding me first?”

“So you _were_ avoiding me!”

“Not the point, Jim.”

Jim scratches at his head. He hadn’t meant to dodge Bones, but he needed time and space to figure things out. He couldn’t have either around Bones. “I wasn’t trying to cut you out or whatever you’re thinking,” he says lamely. “I just needed some space.”

He can feel the weight of Bones’ attention on him despite the arm still draped over Bones’ eyes.

It takes a long minute for Bones to reply, but when he does, he finally sounds like himself again. “Okay,” he says, tone decisive, “okay.”

Jim smiles. “Okay.” He tilts his head, considering. “Does that mean I can have your notes for Starfleet History?”

“Only if you get them yourself.”

Jim does, and he happily settles in to study with Bones napping just a few feet away, back where he belongs.

 

**_xx_ **

 

Leonard stares at his PADD for a long time before he types, **[I guess I owe you an apology, too.]** He hesitates before hitting send but ultimately makes himself do it. He owes notafollower that much. It’s not the kid’s fault that Leonard threw himself into dating just to pretend he was over Jim.

The reply comes swiftly. **[Let’s just say they cancel each other out.]**

 **[Fine with me.]** Leonard pauses. **[Any luck with the roommate?]**

**[Sort of.]**

**[Which means…?]**

**[It means I know he loves me.]**

**[So what’s the problem?]**

The reply takes a while to come. **[I’m not sure I’m good for him.]**

 

**_xx_ **

 

Jim bites his lip. He knows he needs to figure his shit out. He does. He also knows that going to Bones under the guise of a stranger isn’t the way to go about it. But Bones is the only person he has. If anyone can sort out the mess in his head, it’s Bones.

Jim’s risky gambit gets a quick answer. **[Nobody’s good for anybody.]**

Frowning- that isn’t a very Bones-y thing to say- Jim begins tapping out a reply, but Bones sends a second message before he can finish.

**[You don’t love a person to be good for them. It’s not your job to make people better. That’s not what love is.]**

**[Then what is it?]**

**[Damned if I know.]** Now there’s Bones. **[But you can’t build a healthy relationship on the idea that your existence makes someone better- or that the other person’s existence makes you better. It won’t last. If you’re saying you’re actively bad for this guy, though, that’s another issue.]**

Trust Bones to look for the negative. **[No, it’s not like that. More like, I don’t know if I’m good enough for him.]**

There it is. The thought that’s been hovering at the back of his mind.

It hurts to type the words, but Jim knows they're true. He doesn't need to be worthy of a one night stand. He doesn't even need to be worthy of a doomed relationship. But Bones?

Jim barely feels like he deserves Bones' friendship. How can he justify falling in love with him?

The answer is slow to come this time, which Jim both hates and treasures. He needs to know what Bones thinks, but he doesn't want to know, too. He shouldn't have asked. Maybe he can still back out-

His PADD buzzes.

**[You are.]**

Jim almost throws the device across the room. _That isn't useful, Bones!_

A second message appears before he can do anything stupid.

**[You're twenty-three, and you already found someone who makes you happy. If it's a mistake, you have time to recover. If it isn't, you've got a lifetime of happiness ahead. Stop talking yourself out of a good thing. Go get him.]**

Sometimes Jim forgets that Bones is, at heart, the kind of guy who leaps without looking. He just does it with his feelings rather than his feet.

**[Thank you.]**

**[Thank me when you've got your man.]**

Jim smiles. He intends to do just that.

 

**_xx_ **

**[I'm going to tell him today.]**

Leonard looks at the message and smiles. He believes notafollower. There's no reason for him to; he just does. There's something in the air that says today is a good day for change. **[Go get him.]**

 

**_xx_ **

Jim and Bones are meeting up for lunch. This time for sure, Jim is going to do it. There's no reason not to. He knows Bones won't reject him. He knows he'll make Bones happy. It's perfect.

If only his palms knew that.

They won't stop sweating as he fiddles with the label on his bottle, waiting for Bones to arrive. Jim got to their spot fifteen minutes early, which seemed smart at the time, but now he's stuck sitting still while he waits.

Luckily for him, Bones is the early type, so it's only a few minutes of agony before he pops into view. He's disheveled, hair out of place and clothes hanging awkwardly, as he takes the seat across from Jim.

"Angry Vulcan," he says in explanation. "Damn hobgoblin nearly took my head off. It's not my fault he put something somewhere it didn't belong and couldn't get it out again."

Jim blinks. "Are you telling me a Vulcan got something stuck up his-"

"Yep."

"That's... wow."

Bones shrugs. "Stupidity isn't an inherently human trait. You should see the kind of shit Andorians get into."

Based on the way Bones' eyes have lit up, Jim isn't going to guess he really doesn't want to see that. "I ordered for us already," he says, hoping to distract Bones from elaborating. "I hope you don't mind."

"Nah, I'm sure you know what I like by now."

There's a bunch of grapes on the table, and Bones plucks one and pops it in his mouth. He chews thoughtfully for a long moment. "You all right?" he asks after he swallows. "You look odd."

Jim freezes, one hand reaching for a grape. "What makes you say that?"

"Jim, I've lived with you for how long now? I know when you're being cagey."

Shit. "I'm not being cagey."

"'Course you're not," Bones says blandly.

Luckily, their server arrives just then with their meals. Bones accepts his salad with a smile, seemingly pleased at Jim's choice. The smile disappears quickly once he spots Jim's food.

"Bacon, Jim? Really? You know that stuff is a coronary on bread."

Jim gives him a bright smile. "Tastes good, though."

Bones rolls his eyes but lets the conversation drop in favor of stabbing his lunch. Jim is almost positive that's the real reason why Bones likes salads. It's the perfect excuse for stabbing things.

Rumor has it there's a betting pool at the clinic where the doctors and nurses bet on how pent up Bones is and what kind of profanity he'll fling around because of it.

If Jim does this right, there won't be any need for that pool anymore.

Swallowing hard, he puts his sandwich down.

"Hey, Bones?"

Bones grunts around a mouthful of spinach.

"We're good friends, right?"

Bones frowns but nods gamely.

"You could even say we're best friends." Fuck. He's usually so much better at this. Why is it that the one time it matters, he can't string two words together? "What I mean is, we're a good team. One of the best out there. We're going up there together, and it's gonna be great."

Now Bones is really frowning. "Jim, are you sure you're not feeling sick? I've got a tricorder in my bag-"

"That's not-" Jim grabs Bones' wrist to stop him from actually pulling out the device. "No, Bones. I'm fine. I'm working up to something here, okay? It's important."

Bones stops reaching, but his frown doesn't lift.

Jim doesn't let go of his wrist. "We're good as friends, but maybe... have you considered that we might be better as more than that?"

There. It's out there. The ball is firmly in Bones' court.

Bones doesn't do anything with it for a long time. He just keeps frowning at Jim. Then, softly, he says, "You're notafollower."

It isn't a question. It isn't an accusation. It's just a simple statement. Jim is notafollower.

"How long have you known?"

"Just figured it out. How long have you known? At least since the party- earlier?"

Jim shakes his head. "That's when I figured it out."

"And you kept me in the dark. You decided I shouldn't know who I was telling my thoughts to."

Jim hangs his head. He should have known. He did know.

"I have to get back to work," Bones says, voice still quiet. "I'll be home late tonight. Don't wait up."

And that's it. Bones gets to his feet and leaves without any further word. Jim watches him go, watches the light highlight the tense line of Bones' shoulders.

 

**_xx_ **

 

After he finishes his shift at the clinic, Leonard comms Uhura.

"Jim's in love with me," he says. "And I can't say yes to being with him because of you."

She blinks at him for a moment before she sighs and says, "Come over. I'll send Gaila out."

Leonard nods and heads for Uhura's dorm.

The door is already open when he gets there. Uhura is sitting on her bed, two mugs in her hands. "Wine?" she asks. "It's all we've got."

Leonard accepts the mug and downs the wine in one go.

"That's good wine, you know," Uhura points out.

Leonard shrugs and holds the mug out for more, which Uhura pours despite the stink eye she gives him.

"So what's this about Jim loving you?" she asks. "And why is it my problem?"

"We met on that friend making site," Leonard tells her flatly, "but we didn't know it was each other. At least I didn't."

"How would he- Oh." Uhura looks away, and Leonard takes a generous swallow of wine. "I'm sorry, Len."

Leonard shakes his head. He wasn't upset with her then, and he isn't now. "The issue is, Jim didn't tell me then. He kept talking to me under the guise of being a stranger. He encouraged me to share certain things with him that I wouldn't have normally."

"Things like the fact that you're in love with him?"

Leonard nods. Uhura scoots closer and lays her hand on his shoulder. "Jim is... a little broken," she says carefully. "I'm not saying that what he did was acceptable, but I think, deep down, you aren't as bothered by this as you would be from someone else."

She's right. If anyone other than Jim had strung him along, Leonard would have given them the dressing down of their life. He damn well wouldn't be wondering how he could be with them after the revelation of what they did.

"Is there a way to salvage this?" he asks, voice rasping. "Or is it too far gone?"

Uhura tilts her head, eyes narrowing. "Spend the night here," she says at last. "I think I might have an idea."

 

**_xx_ **

 

Jim is anxiously folding laundry when the door to the suite opens and Bones walks in. He immediately holds up a hand, though, cutting off anything Jim might say.

"My name is Leonard McCoy," he says evenly. "We just met for the first time."

Jim frowns at him, not understanding. Then Bones holds out a hand for a shake, and it clicks. Jim is getting a second chance.

He takes Bones' hand. "Jim Kirk. Good to meet you."

Bones nods sharply. "Don't fuck it up this time, will you?"

Jim swallows hard and nods, too. "I can still call you Bones, though, right?"

Bones sighs. "May as well."

"Awesome. In that case, need any help settling in, Bones?"

 

**_xx_ **

 

It's been a month since Leonard initiated their do-over, and Jim has been just as obnoxious as he was before. Leonard isn't surprised. It isn't in Jim's nature not to be a pain in the ass.

They both closed their accounts with the app. Leonard closed his in a rare act of optimism. He isn't sure what drove Jim to do it. A show of strength? His own optimism? There's no point in wondering. Sometimes Jim just does things.

Leonard is fresh out of the shower and searching for clean underwear when Jim looks up from his books and calls his name.

"What is it?"

"I want you."

Leonard nearly drops his towel. "You what?"

"I want you. Ever since we met, I've wanted you. Go out with me?"

"That's- It's been a month!"

"It's been longer than that." Jim bites his lip. "Look, Bones. I appreciate you giving me a second chance, but I don't think I can take another year of this. Let me down now if you have to, but don't draw it out. Please."

Leonard had thought, after last time, that Jim would let him do the asking this time. He should have known better. Jim isn't the "sit quietly and wait" type.

"Yeah, Jim," Leonard says, softer than he means to say it. "You're gonna have to pick someplace nice, though. I'm not a cheap date."

Jim beams at him. "Never thought you would be."

 

**_xx_ **

Jim gets his date a week after he broke and told Bones to let him down easy. He spent nearly the entire time between trying to find the perfect place to take Bones. Steakhouse? Upscale bar? Picnic?

In the end, he went with taking Bones to their usual bar. He knows he made the right call when Bones quirks a brow and bumps their shoulders together.

The food is good, better usual, and Jim happily steals fries off Bones' plate. Normally Bones wouldn't get fries, but he's smiling at Jim and sipping slowly at his whiskey. He looks more relaxed than Jim has ever seen him.

Jim's fingers itch to touch, so he wraps them tight around his milkshake.

Bones tells Jim about his day, which was good if boring, then asks Jim about his.

It's an easy question. The problem is, the first thing Jim did- and foremost in his mind- was wake up, stumble into the shower, and jerk off to thoughts of finally getting in Bones' pants. So instead of saying something normal like, "I went to class and learned more about Andorian diplomacy," what actually comes out is, "I want to fuck you."

Bones doesn't even blink. "Well, so much for acting like this is a normal date."

Jim flushes. "Sorry."

"If I wanted normal, I wouldn't have gone out with you, dumbass," Bones tells him blandly. "Come on. Let's finish our drinks then head back. Sound good?"

"Head back and... sleep?" Jim asks, just to be sure.

Bones grins at him, wide and sharp. "Eventually, yeah."

 

**_xx_ **

 

For all his big talk in the bar, Leonard is actually terrified of what's to come. He's slept with people since Joss, but he didn't care about any of them like he cares about Jim. He can't afford to fuck this up.

Luckily for him, Jim is his usual distracting self and then some. By the time they get to their seats on the shuttle, Jim is holding his hand in a grip like a vice.

Leonard squeezes back. It doesn't make Jim loosen his death grip, but it does get him something resembling a smile.

Then the shuttle is shuddering to life and Leonard is clinging to Jim.

They separate after the shuttle lands, only for Jim to sling an arm around Leonard's hips as they leave. He thumbs at the waistband of Leonard's jeans, his thumb sliding under Leonard's shirt.

"We're in public," Leonard hisses, even as he puts his arm around Jim. "Keep it PG, would you?"

Jim huffs but doesn't get any friskier.

Relieved, Leonard lets himself be hurried back to their suite.

Once they get inside, things get awkward. Neither of them is good with feelings- Jim buries his, and Leonard lets his run rampant. Neither is ideal for the current, sensitive situation.

They wind up standing in the middle of the room between their beds, equally lost. Leonard knows, logically, how to get from here to fucking. He just can't figure out how to reconcile that with Jim.

Whatever nerves are getting to Jim, at least they're helpful. He takes one look at Leonard and blurts, "We should kiss."

Leonard nods quickly and takes a step closer, into Jim's space.

Jim lifts his hands and cups them to Leonard's face. His palms are hot and sweaty, but rather than disgust Leonard, the clamminess makes something in his gut settle. This isn't just another lay to Jim. If it were, he wouldn't be nervous.

Leaning in, Leonard tilts his head so he press his lips to Jim's in a simple, friendly kiss.

Jim's grip on his face tightens, and he quickly turns the kiss into something hotter. They trade open mouthed kisses, their bodies scooting closer still until they're pressed flush together from nose to toe.

"Bed," Jim murmurs against his lips, and Leonard nods. He pushes Jim backwards until the backs of his knees hit the bed and he falls back.

He looks up at Leonard with wide eyes, his parted lips swollen and shiny with spit. He's breathing hard, and when he looks up, he smiles.

"Always knew you'd be a little rough."

Leonard rolls his eyes but doesn't waste time chastising Jim. He simply follows Jim onto the bed, stretching out over him. He expects Jim to fight him over that, but it doesn't happen. Jim's only response is to slide his hands under Leonard's shirt and up his sides.

"You're so warm," he says, as if this is a revelation.

Leonard elects not to answer, instead drops his head for another kiss.

This one, too, quickly turns hot, and without meaning to, Leonard finds himself slipping a leg between Jim's thighs, his own legs parting as Jim bends a knee. It's been a long time since Leonard lay on someone's bed making out and rocking against them- longer still since he had a partner who was as enthusiastic as Jim. With one hand tugging at Leonard's hair and the other squeezing his ass, Jim's breath is hitching like he's never done this before. He's rocking against Leonard like he means it, and maybe he does.

Maybe this has been as difficult for Jim as it has been for Leonard.

Sitting up, Leonard strips off his shirt. He starts to lean back down, but Jim stops him.

He runs both hands over Leonard's chest, pressing against muscle and twirling his fingers in the wiry curls. Leonard lets him touch without hurrying him despite the fact that his dick is hard. Something tells him this is more important.

Jim stays quiet as he touches Leonard. It's almost unnerving, this unusual silence, except being the focus of all Jim's attention is hot as hell.

"You're awfully quiet," Leonard says when Jim just keeps petting him.

"I've thought about this a lot," Jim says, frowning at Leonard's chest. "I guess I can't believe it's real. I actually get to have you."

Leonard smiles and ducks his head for another kiss. This one he keeps sweet.

They don't talk again as, still focused on kissing Jim, he fumbles blindly at their pants. He manages to unzip and tug down Jim's jeans, along with his boxers. It takes him a little longer to do the same for himself, but he manages it, as well as shimmying free. Jim doesn't bother. Leonard isn't surprised.

"You've still got that bottle of lotion under your bed, right?" he pulls away to ask.

Jim blinks at him, looking adorably stupid. "How'd you know about that?"

"You're not as subtle as you think. Is it there or isn't it?"

"It's there."

It takes some work, but Leonard does manage to fish the bottle out. Victorious, he straightens up and drops it to the bed in favor of stealing another kiss.

"Are we ever gonna fuck?" Jim whines when they part for air.

Leonard rolls his eyes. "Excuse me for not wanting to chafe my dick."

"What about mine?"

"Yeah, I guess you'd whine if yours got chafed."

Jim gives him a flat look that's marred only by the way his dick is lying hard against his belly.

Pumping the bottle a couple times, Leonard refocuses on slicking them up. If he spends a little longer on Jim, just stroking his shaft, well, he's been thinking about this for a long time, too.

Jim pushes into his grip with a sigh. "Feels good, Bones."

"Do you have to call me that now?"

"It's my name for you," Jim insists, putting his hands on Leonard's shoulders and squeezing. "Nobody else calls you Bones."

He has a point. Leonard reluctantly resigns himself to forever associating the nickname with fucking Jim.

Rearranging himself so he's straddling Jim's hips, Leonard takes them both in hand.

Jim's breath catches. "Yeah, Bones. That's good- you're so smart, Bones."

Leonard bites the inside of his cheek. He never took Jim for a babbler. It's sweet. He doubts Jim would want to hear that right now, though.

Jim settles his hands on Leonard's hips, fingertips digging in hard as Leonard jerks them off. Wet sounds fill the room, broken only by their heavy breathing. Jim's eyes have fallen shut, but he hasn't stopped talking.

"Feels so good, Bones. Love your hands. They're good hands, Bones. The best hands. Wanted to know how they'd feel the moment I saw 'em. Just didn't realize I wanted to- yeah, just like that. Don't gotta be gentle with me. I can take it, Bones. I promise I can."

Leonard bites his cheek harder. It isn't that he doesn't think Jim can't take more. He just wants to spoil him. Damn man has never had it easy. Here, at least, Leonard can give Jim a chance to put himself first.

When he comes, Jim arches his back, his entire face pinching. He hardly makes any noise, though. If anything, he gets quieter as the stream of praise shuts off.

It doesn't take long for Leonard to follow. A few more pumps and he's choking back a shout. His vision whites out for a second. He comes back to himself a moment later, just in time to feel himself flop onto his side beside Jim.

Jim lazily kicks off his clothes. His eyes are focused squarely on Leonard as he does. "I thought you were going to fuck me," he says petulantly.

Leonard huffs. "Give it time."

"Bones-"

"I want us to be sober and comfortable, and I don't want you trying rush it." Leonard drops his hand onto Jim's chest. "Don't fight me on this, Jim."

Jim doesn't. Instead, he wriggles closer, curling up against Leonard's side.

"You'll be here in the morning?"

"I'll be here every morning," Leonard promises. He presses a kiss to Jim's sweaty temple. “Every goddamn morning ‘til you’re sick of me.”

 

**_xx_ **

Jim bites his lip and buries his face in Bones' pillow. It still smells like Bones, and Jim breathes in deep through his nose.

Above him, Bones pauses with his hips pushed flush against Jim's ass. "Something wrong?" he asks, concern bleeding through his accent. He traces two fingers over Jim's ribs, not trying to tickle so much as soothe.

Jim shakes his head. "Keep going."

"If you're sure..."

"Bones, please," Jim says, voice strained. "It's been two months. I would love nothing more than for you to fuck me through your bed."

"When you put it that way, it'd be rude of me not to, wouldn't it?" Bones presses a kiss to Jim's shoulder, then another to his neck. He rolls his hips, and Jim sees stars. "God, you're perfect, you know that?"

Jim does not know that, but there's no point in arguing with Bones when he's feeling sappy. After two months apart while Bones was off getting special training on the East Coast, Jim is hungry for a fuck. But he hasn't wanted just any lay. It's got to be Bones. He's ruined for other people now that he knows what it's like to be with someone who gives a damn about him. He can't go back to a life of heated, hurried fucks after he's known the slow burn of Bones when he wants Jim to slow down and the sweet taste of his kisses when he's feeling jealous. The familiar feeling of his fingers in Bones' hair. The breathy moan Bones makes when he comes. The way everything quiets down afterwards, the two of them lying together.

Jim reaches up in search of one of Bones' hands and twines their fingers together.

"Missed you," Bones says as he draws his hips back. "Couldn't stop thinking about you."

"Yeah?" Jim pants. "What about me?"

Bones slides back in with a sharp thrust, and Jim lets out a moan.

"The sounds you make," Bones says, setting a hard pace. "The way you fit me so tight. The way you say my name."

"Bones-"

"Try again."

"Len," Jim sighs. He squeezes Bones' fingers, and Bones squeezes back. That's another thing that's different. Passion, Jim is used to. But this quiet care Bones has for him is new. Soft kisses, gentle squeezes, Bones' voice asking if he's good- it's all new. Jim loves every bit of it.

His breath comes heavily, catching every time Bones pushes in just right.

"Never known anyone like you," Bones says against Jim's neck, panting hard. "You're a goddamn maniac, but I'd follow you into the sun."

A shudder runs through Jim. It's heady, having this kind of power. Bones doesn't bow to anyone, but he'll bow to Jim.

Jim pushes back into Bones, moving with the motion of Bones' hips, rutting against the smooth sheets. He's been hard for what feels like years, and he's aching for release. Above him, Bones is breathing hard. Jim had forgotten that detail, the wet heat of Bones' breath over his skin. The brush of wiry hair against Jim's ass. He'd thought he remembered this perfectly, but even the sound of skin on skin is richer than he'd thought.

"Hey, Bones?"

Bones hums.

"Come in me, okay?"

Bones curses, his rhythm stuttering. "Jesus Christ, Jim!"

"It's been so long," Jim whines, pushing back against him. "I wanna feel every bit of you. C'me on, Bones. Please." He squeezes Bones' hand again, hard enough to make his knuckles go white. "Don't say no."

Bones drops his head onto Jim's shoulder. "I wouldn't even if I could."

Jim lets out a breath, and something tight in his chest loosens.

That's another thing he's missed. Bones is indulgent in bed, easily following Jim wherever he wants to go. And sure, there's some jealousy mixed in, too, sometimes- Jim is a people person, sometimes to a fault, and Bones... Well, Bones may know Jim wouldn't cheat, but that hasn't stopped him from dragging Jim into various closets and dark corners. It's even become a bit of a game between them, Jim tugging on the tiger's tail until Bones shows his teeth.

There's no need for that here, though. Here, it's just Jim and Bones and the sharp slap of skin against skin until Bones' breath catches and finally, finally, he comes. He pushes in all the way and stays there, one arm wrapped around Jim's chest as he drops his weight onto Jim.

Jim relishes every ounce of it.

He does want to get off, too, though, so he angles them into their sides and takes himself in hand. Bones hums, and a moment later, his hand closes around Jim's. He hasn't pulled out yet, which Jim is glad for. He wants to keep Bones close for as long as he can.

It doesn't take Jim long to finish. Between Bones moving on to nibbling at his ear and the fact that he didn't get off at all while Bones was gone, Jim's been primed to go ever since Bones got back and woke him up.

Swallowing hard, Jim finally lets himself collapse onto his belly. Bones goes with him.

Their fingers are still twined together, and Jim lazily brings them closer and presses a kiss to Bones' knuckles.

"Sap," Bones says fondly.

"Go away," Jim grumbles. "Or at least pull out. It isn't hot anymore."

"You're so fickle."

"Out. Now."

Bones pulls out gently, but Jim still shudders at the feeling.

"Fucked out, Captain?" Bones asks with a chuckle. "You're gonna need a shower."

"In a bit."

"Jim..."

"Let me lie in the wet spot and think about how happy I am that you're home safe, would you?"

Bones goes quiet. "I missed you, too, you know," he says after a beat.

"So you said."

The bed shakes as Bones flops down on his back next to Jim. "You're supposed to be relaxed after you get laid, Jim. Not cranky."

Jim rolls his eyes. "Oh, well, excuse me."

"I will. I'll excuse you every time." Bones scoots closer. "I love you, Jim. Crankiness and all."

Of course Bones softens when Jim gets sharp. "Go on," Jim says softly.

Rolling onto his side, Bones gives him a stupid smile. "Well, let's see. I love your nose-" he places a kiss on the bridge of Jim's nose "-and your eyes-" he kisses Jim's eyelids "-and your cheeks-" he kisses Jim's cheeks "-and your mouth-" here, too, he presses a gentle kiss. "I love when you smile. And the way you care for everyone, even if I wish you cared for yourself more. And the way you hold my hand..."

He keeps going, but Jim slowly nods off, happy and warm.


End file.
